If I could describe how I’ve been feeling for the last couple of weeks, some people would suggest counseling, therapy, maybe even a straitjacket. Ok, it hasn’t been that bad. However, until recently I’ve been lost, confused, depressed, distraught, overwhelmed, frustrated, and woke up most mornings wallowing in self-pity. Despite my negativity and lack of motivation, I still showered everyday. LOL! Some people get in that mindset and get funky (literally). Just had to set the record straight. Anyway, there’s not an exclusive reason that caused this, but rather fear. It’s scary when you’re chasing a dream that so many others are chasing. Let’s get real. Los Angeles is the largest city in California, and the second largest city in the United States. It’s easy for your confidence to get shaken. It doesn’t matter how many people reassure you that you’re different, talented, and destined to be successful, if you don’t believe in yourself but rather depend on others to give you confidence, then you might as well go back to where you came from. If you’re originally from Los Angeles…then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep your head up?
All jokes aside, this is one of the toughest cities to live in. Everything is expensive, traffic sucks, good friends are hard to come by, but the weather is beautiful most of the time. What on earth motivated me to leave a good job at AT&T, free rent at the parent’s house, and a potentially great life in Atlanta back in 2011? It wasn’t the weather. It was the search for true happiness. I wouldn’t be happy living that life. I could lie to myself and say that’s what I wanted, but I knew that I would eventually regret not leaving to chase my dreams because my true happiness comes from my different dreams being fulfilled.
When I moved here I was a lost little boy. I thought that I had it all figured out. I was going to work at a production company, move up the ranks, make tons of money, and BALL! I was in for a rude awakening. There has not been a single moment that I’ve felt financially secure since I’ve been here. Who knew that it would be this difficult? WHAT WAS I THINKING? Is it really worth it to continue to chase this dream? Why am I different? These are the questions that I’ve been asking myself for the past year. My parents help when they can, but for the most part, I’ve been doing everything I can do to survive out here without their help. Because of this, I thought that I was a man, but I still approached many situations in my life as a boy.
As I tried to discover my place out here, I clung to the idea of what would make me happy and pursued things related to that instead of actually going after what makes me happy. I complained about everything instead of finding the positive and making a change. I made excuses for the various issues in my life. I blamed others for my problems and never accepted fault. If I wanted something, I would wait until it was offered to me. I didn’t believe in myself enough to know that I am already way ahead of the game. I constantly second guessed myself. I WAS A BOY! It’s funny how things change when they need to. It doesn’t matter the specific situation that sparked this changed, but just know that I will not be afraid anymore. I will not let others walk over me. I will continue to be grateful for what I have and the opportunities that I’ve been blessed with, but I’ll continue to chase my dreams. I won’t let other’s opinions of me, my decisions, my relationships, or my actions negatively affect me. I will remain positive and live my life with purpose. I will acknowledge my faults. I will demand respect. I know what I want, and I won’t let fear stop me from getting it. I AM A MAN!
My name is Emile Ennis Jr. Although I may not be a household name right now, don’t count me out. I’m motivated, focused, and determined to turn my dreams into reality. For the first time since I moved out here, I’m in a great place and extremely happy. I plan to look back on this years from now and laugh at the fact that at one point I didn’t believe that I could do it. For those who don’t believe in me, I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. I’ll also quote Will Smith,
“If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success.”
Keep chasing your dreams, and I’ll keep chasing mine. Thanks for all the support.
SN: I just had an amazing photoshoot with my best friend and talented photographer, Genna Sandler! Photos coming real soon.
Alright that’s it. Until next time…